PurpleCar - Latest Comments in To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

PurpleCar — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 20:11:00 -0000

That's a good and polite strategy. You can add a "Hey, I've come a long way and hope all is well with you, too. Saw you on here and just thought I'd say hello. I know we left on bad terms but I'm hoping we can reconnect as better people, just as friends" note with the friend request.
But I'd have to suggest: if you don't hear back from the first request, don't friend again. Facebook is pretty reliable with friend requests. The first ignore should be sufficient for you to give up. Just MHO.

-Christine

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

Adrian Bacon — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 19:55:11 -0000

On facebook, I message first (if possible) and leave the option to friend up to the ex. If no friend, maybe one or two further messages a couple of months apart, if still no response, then I go no contact.

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

PurpleCar — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 08:44:38 -0000

I'm glad you found it helpful now, though. You are always allowed to cut off communications. You are allowed to lay boundaries. No-one (who is sane) will fault you for it.
-Christine Cavalier

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

Art — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 21:20:39 -0000

Wow you nailed it! Thank you for sharing. My ex be-friended me and we started the emails and the regrets and the tears and the bizarros, after three years I'm still in hell. What you did was amazing and right on. I wish I read this back then.

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

PurpleCar — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 14:01:54 -0000

Man,

If it's a new relationship, people don't have to text or communicate daily. You're just getting to know each other. Give it time. She may have wanted to see some old mutual friends. Don't be too clingy or she'll bolt for sure. Find some of your own hobbies and interests. If she sees that you aren't hanging on her every text, it will go a long way. Get out there and do your own thing. Don't worry so much about what a new girlfriend does. She doesn't owe you any loyalty yet. You're just getting started! Who knows, once you get out to do your own things, it may be YOU who is going out to see old friends without her.
Peace!
-PurpleCar
http://www.purplecar.net/

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

MNMan — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 13:18:49 -0000

Do you think her going to his birthday party at a bar is kosher? She told me she was going and that I shouldn't be concerned. I had work early so I wasn't about to go, but it's not like I was invited either. And she still hasn't called or texted since she told me she was going last night...

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

PurpleCar — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 11:44:17 -0000

Hey Man.

Well, yeah. Fresh relationships are tough. It's hard to know how the other person really feels as much as you do for them. I have to say, when I was younger, I thought that I had to be nice to everyone. After all, it's how we women are raised. But as I got older and I saw the truth in what my (now) husband was saying about men and how they think, I stopped chatting with any exes. It's terrible to marginalize men in this way, but the fact is, the exes blew it and they had their chance. There are plenty of other men to talk to, ones I haven't slept with or loved. Ya know?

It's possible that your girlfriend may feel obliged to be nice to this man. As a man, you probably can't understand the overwhelming cultural pressure on women to "be liked" and to "be nice." I just turned 40 this year and it's taken me a decade to accept the fact that some people will ALWAYS think I'm a bitch, no matter what I do. Many women don't even get to that stage.

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

MNMan — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 10:59:36 -0000

Thanks for this. I was feeling kinda down about the way my girlfriend was acting lately-- she's been talking with her ex. I guess I just need to realize that girls who have had a long serious relationship need to have some kind of contact with that person. My girlfriend is very open and honest with me, so I should not feel threatened, but it still kinda tugs at my heart a little. You seem to be a very rational person who can realize the cultural rules of those interactions with the ex, so I can hope and trust that my girlfriend does too. I just guess that I didn't (and to a certain extent still don't) understand why she needs to talk to him or see him at all. I never talk to my exs unless I'm telling them to leave me alone. And my guy friends only talk to an ex when they wanna fuck. So naturally I can see the ex's intentions only in that light. Do I think she knows that he is trying to get her back? Prolly not. And I don't think I can tell her that he's just trying to get in her pants either (unless I want a smack in the face). I really care about this girl and it's still a fresh relationship, so your story makes me want to let this one ride itself out. I just hope she'll cut him loose eventually

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

slappadabassmon — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 00:23:52 -0000

Exactly! Mahalos!

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

PurpleCar — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 00:15:22 -0000

Well, the mom friend thing may be a problem, but only if he sneaks his little nose up in her biznez. Otherwise, if it's cool, then it's cool. No worries.

But yeah, I wish more women would learn that it's OK to BLOCK PEOPLE. You don't have to be "nice" all the time. Especially when some jerk is emotionally toying with you. You are a strong person to finally rid yourself of that nonsense. Teach others! It's so important to have a "self-protection" skill in this digital age. Protect your profile, protect yourself.

Peace!
-PurpleCar
http://www.purplecar.net/

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Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

slappadabassmon — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 00:13:25 -0000

I should clarify, the message I got back from him was "well i have this really crazy ex gf and she would freak if we knew we were talkin, why u actin funny?"
Then, I recently got a reply from a message i sent him, but she was clearly the one who was responding, because she said "him"

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

slappadabassmon — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 00:09:08 -0000

Well I think it all depends on the length of the relationship and how it ended. We had a pretty badass relationship.

all Iwas asking for was just some straight up answers

At the same time, I dont want to know it was for stupid little things. He did say a while ago, "I was young and didnt know what I was doing," blah blah blah, stringing me along this whole 3 years we are apart,calling every once in a while "oh i miss you", all that crap, for whatever reason.

Its been three years, hes 3000 miles away.I was like, dude, Im over it, I see your with another chick and im cool with that. What is your motive if your not going to talk to me? I see I was the first person you requested, and I see that your friends with so and so.

I dont want to know about if hes married to this 31 year old crazy with 3 kids that arent his, why would I want to know these few answers I seek? I blocked his ass. One problem, I remain friends with his mom....

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

PurpleCar — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 23:38:44 -0000

Yeah, man, forGET that bull. The past is the past and somethings just don't ever get worked out. Some "closure" isn't necessary, ya know? And in trying to get "closure" all you get is a new opened can of worms.

Good for you. He can save the drama for his mama!

Peace!
-PurpleCar
http://www.purplecar.net/

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Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

slappadabassmon — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 23:32:30 -0000

I loved this! I was in a similar situation, but when the drama kicked in, I blocked him. Theres no need to have your gf or whatever reply to a message I sent you from your account. Thats just ignorant.

All aside, you confirmed that what I did was a good choice, and I thank you for that. :)

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

monkeychick — Mon, 25 May 2009 18:23:25 -0000

LOL. Thanks for the advice. Must have been a lonely evening thing because now I'm fine, not thinking of him and really wanted to smack myself in the head for even being curious about it. I don't want to get involved with the whole "baby daddy" thing, not me!! LOL

I'm pretty happy, ready to move this weekend and start my life over. Nothing wrong with having fun in the meantime!!

Thanks again. :)

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

PurpleCar — Sun, 24 May 2009 21:27:08 -0000

Hi Monkey Chick!

Well, first let me say Congratulations on starting your new life. Divorce can be a beginning, too.

I usually keep my advice to online etiquette and computing issues, as I'm not a counselor, but I felt compelled to answer you.

I think you should treat this man as only a little more than a stranger. He's involved with a woman who is about to have his child. You do *not* want to get in the middle of that. Honestly, the guy sounds like he is looking for any way out of the
ridiculous yet serious situation his irresponsible behavior has gotten
him into. Don't give him that excuse.

Ask yourself if it is really this man that you want or is it the comforting idea that you *do* have good taste in men. By getting back together with an ex, it's as if you are proving to yourself that you had it right but just got off the path somehow. After divorce, that crushing sense of failure can put false hope in unhealthy places. Keep your FB and MySpace relations strictly to girlfriends and family for a while. Update daily so your friends can comment with their support.

Find yourself a good counselor. Your insurance company will have counseling practices that they work with, or ask a friend for a suggestion. Do not make any major moves with anyone, especially not an ex, until you are absolutely sure you are doing the right thing. You aren't a failure. You *will* find a man worthy of the person you're growing into. Give yourself some time to grow into that older, wiser, more confident and more beautiful person.

Come back in 9-12 months to let me know how it is going, OK? Good luck!

-PC

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Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

monkeychick — Sun, 24 May 2009 17:17:03 -0000

Okay, I know this is an old post but it came up on Google. How about this for a situation. I'm separated, have been for five months and just waiting on the papers. My ex-boyfriend who was the boyfriend for four years sent me a message on myspace and FB (I think) and said he was sorry for everything, never meant to hurt me. This was a year and a half ago when I was still happily married and him still happily single. Fast forward to the situation now, I'm getting divorced, he's with a girl who was a friends with benefits girl that he got pregnant. She's due in a few weeks but he loves her a lot, just not enough to marry her, he says and they live together. Anyway, I live a couple of hours from where he lives (our hometown) and he was in the city I live in now for work stuff. He sent me a text (yes we have each others phone numbers because I asked for his a year ago) saying what was fun in my town. I explained the things we got and then I asked if he wanted me to take him around, show him some fun stuff. He said yes and asked where we were going. I didn't see it as a date, don't see it as a date. I talked about my husband or whatever he is and he talked about his girlfriend, a.k.a. baby momma, a.k.a., sex maniac lover. Needless to say we had a blast that night. Had dinner, a few drinks, talked about fun times and ended the night listening to music at a bar. Now I can't get the dude out of my mind!! Do you think he saw it as just a friend thing. He did hug me after our non-date, said it was great seeing me and hopes everything works out. We had a blast though, talked about old times, laughed A LOT. We are each others first everything, kiss, sex..all of the above. We tried each others drinks because "we've exchanged spit" tried each other food and all of that fun, date-like stuff. What do I do now?

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

PurpleCar — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 20:30:20 -0000

Hey TG thanks for coming and checking out PurpleCar. Your ex probably got a little gun shy, which happens. Don't worry to much about it. These kinds of connections really aren't worth much. It's when actual and consistent communication happens when the linkage gets real and worth emotional value. -PC

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

topgold — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 03:41:29 -0000

My experience is a little revealing. I watched an ex connect to me on Facebook, then remove the friend link, then remove her photo collection from Facebook. I think she's actually set up with another account, using a different last name. That kind of electronic erasure isn't normal in these cases.

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

cc — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 20:38:00 -0000

Great, great post! Very good advice, all around. Love Mandate #1 message (“Hi. I found you on here and I just wanted to say, I was a real jerk. I’m sorry. I hope you are happy. I’m happy and I really wish the best for you.”).

I completely avoided social networking sites for years because of a stalker ex who made my life hell for a long time. Just now coming out of it but still waiting for the shoe to drop on me. Or be thrown at my head.

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

PurpleCar — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 10:55:08 -0000

Exactly.

Thanks for commenting and bringing this up. It is a really good point and I should post about the whole photo thing separately. This is a brave new world; sharing photos used to be limited by geography and small scale exposure. "Teh interwebz" erases those barriers. Still, common courtesy should be our guide in this. Unfortunately, common courtesy seems to have been lost in the ether right now. I'm trying to snap people out of the haze. We could all use some reminders that, indeed, this isn't rocket surgery. Just because the tool is new doesn't mean the etiquette is.

Thanks again. I'll start working on the media post.

-PC

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

MS — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 10:45:27 -0000

Thanks for the response. I agree 100% with your comments.

I think most times, it is someone else ((an old friend) who posts old photos which may include someone's spouse with an ex and rarely, if ever the couple themselves. The problem with simply de-friending someone who may not take down a photo you deem objectionable is that the photo will still be seen by other people who may be common friends who may know what the photo is showing. However, I guess if that person values your friendship (on all levels and not just on FB), they would almost certainly agree to take it down. If not, I guess there is a bigger issue there that would need to be examined.

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

PurpleCar — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 20:57:11 -0000

What unsettles me about your question, MS, is that part where you say "see it happen."

Couples should always have good communication lines open. If a spouse is worried about what their partner will think about a certain status update, then perhaps a discussion before the friending should occur. When in doubt, ask. Here's an example way to open up that conversation:

"Hey, I see Miss Ex-Girlfriend/Boyfriend on Facebook. Do you mind if I say hi? I'm not being weird or anything, I just wanted to run it past you."

Friending anyone on social network sites is an activity wrought with meaning or totally devoid of significance. Or something in between! The only way to know which way it's going to roll is to ask the friender. There are no cookie-cutter rules with this. This is one of those pesky gray areas when every situation will be different.

The best practices, though, are honest and open communication habits with your spouse. If you are worried how the spouse will react to the status update that says you've just friended your ex, then you should use that worry as a wake-up call that you haven't done the relationship work with your spouse that needs to be done. I repeat: When in doubt, ask.

As for photos, the same advice applies.

That being said, I'm against posting media that show proof of any past romantic relationship. A spouse should remove the tags of themselves. It is one thing to have and demonstrate a current platonic relationship, but it is another to display media promoting a past relationship. Media makes things seem current, and I'm afraid the motivation behind publishing exes in intimate ways is a bit more sinister than simply waxing nostaligic. Putting pictures up of you and your ex in a loving embrace is a way to "claim" that ex as yours, even if just partially. It's like proving ownership; "Ha. Ha. Look at me. I had him first!" I can see maybe formal pictures, like a group photo from high school (MAYBE) but anything at all affectionate is a definite no-no. It's just bad manners. The best course of action for that is to remove your tag or kindly ask your spouse to remove the tag. If the owner of the media re-tags you or your spouse, then explain to the tagger that the photo isn't welcome in your photo stream, and to please remove the tag. If the owner doesn't remove the tag, de-friend them. They won't be able to tag you again.

Good luck. Let me know if any of this helps!

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

MS — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 16:54:32 -0000

For those that are married, do you think it is a sign of disrespect if the spouse reaches out to an ex (who they might consider a "friend" now) especially when their husband/wife are on their friend list as well and can see it happen? I have had this debate with some people and were wondering if that disrespects the marriage. Also, what do you think the protocol should be if say this same married person is tagged in a photo with another boyfriend/girlfriend?

Re: To Friend or Not To Friend the Ex.

PurpleCar — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 13:28:35 -0000

Hey Otir! Great points, all of them. I personally am not knocking on everyone's follow door, as I don't actively search for connections often (I have plenty!). But I see how we all can miss the very basic premise you posit: Some people just don't want to be found.

Now, simpletons will argue that those who don't want to be found shouldn't be on Facebook, but we all know that there is room in social media for even the most shy people. Just because someone has a Facebook page doesn't mean that they want to hear from every past friendship. There are boundaries, and we all will ignore them at our own peril.

In no social circumstance would there be any reason for my Ex to speak to me, not even at a college reunion. He would have been able to read that from my face. Online, we lack the interaction and subtle body language cues, which means we should proceed with even more caution when linking up with a long lost friend. It's doubtful my Ex thought twice about how I'd feel about his contacting me. Men especially seem to need this wake-up call, that not everyone wants your presence.

"Put yourself in the other's shoes" is a great rule of thumb before clicking send, friend or end.

Thanks for reminding us!

-C

P.S. I'm not done feeling crappy, but I'll get over it. The whole situation has just roiled up a big mound of hurt and anger I haven't thought about in years. Sometimes being an early adopter can totally suck.